John Lennon Narrowly Escapes Assassination

Reuters, NY – John Lennon almost became the victim of a mistaken-identity assassination attempt this evening after being inadvertently saved by a passer-by.

Lennon returned to his residence, the Dakota, at around 10:50pm after a recording session with his wife, Yoko Ono. On leaving his limousine, crazed Beatles fan Mark Chapman approached Lennon and called out ‘Ringo!’. Lennon turned to see who was calling his fellow band-member’s name when Chapman fired a round from his .38 revolver.

At the same time, a Mr. Zeke Iddon was passing between the two on the sidewalk outside the Dakota as the shot was fired. “I was yawning at the time I was walking past John,” Iddon told reporters after the incident, “and heard this almighty bang. I closed my mouth pretty suddenly, y’know, out of shock, and felt this hard thingy between my teeth. I figured a filling had fallen out or something, but upon further inspection found it was a bullet.” Zeke went on to add “It’s a funny ol’ world.”

After accidentally catching the bullet between his teeth, Iddon reportedly asked Chapman ‘what the hell are you doing? You nearly took my eye out.’ Chapman instantly realised his mistake and dropped to his knees, yelling to Lennon ‘Jesus, I’m so sorry! I thought you were Ringo!’.

In an interview with police, Chapman revealed that he had originally thought Beatles member Ringo Starr had stepped out of the limousine, his intended target. “God, I don’t know why they let that phony sing some of their songs. I couldn’t hack that shit any longer. Yellow Submarine? Gimme a break!”

Iddon was also questioned by police on his chance involvement in the encounter. “I was just moseying on down the street when I saw a limousine park up. John Lennon steps out and I’m like, ‘hey, it’s John Lennon’. That’s why I started yawning, you see – I saw John Lennon and I couldn’t stop thinking about how goddamn boring and overrated the Beatles are.”

It is reported that Lennon has dropped all charges against Chapman, quoted as saying “At the end of the day, it was an honest mistake.”

Iddon, however, is planning to file compensation against Chapman, claiming “I think the guy chipped my tooth when I caught that bullet. I’m not sure. Let me check… Yghheeah, ghe deghinitely chighpped nhy ‘oof,” Zeke added, removing his finger from his mouth. “Plus, it wasn’t a very nice experience. You ever had a bullet in your mouth? No? It’s awful. It really set my teeth off. Like when you're taking a bunch of luggage out to the car and you're hands are full, and you’ve got the car keys in your mouth? It’s horrible. Yeah, it was exactly like that.”

Police investigating the case say that the most baffling aspect is Iddon’s birth year. According to investigators, it is listed on his passport as 1984, making him minus four years old at the time of the incident. When questioned on the issue, Zeke said, “Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me. I’ve got to go now, I’m in a bit of a rush to get some time crystals before the portal closes. I really don’t want to be stuck here in 1980, it feels like everyone is copying my current hairstyle."

Yoko Ono declined to comment, but was later heard by journalists cursing Iddon’s involvement and mumbling something about Lennon’s life insurance.

The Beatles are currently in discussions concerning renaming the band ‘The Zeakles’ in honour of Lennon’s saviour.